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Book Review of Hollywood's Silent Closet

Hollywood's Silent Closet
Hollywood's Silent Closet
Author: Darwin Porter
Genre: Literature & Fiction
Book Type: Mass Market Paperback
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If anyone is familiar with the fanfiction genre, RPS is "Real Person Slash" - a story written by someone who wants to have famous guys (or gals) getting it on with each other. Sometimes the author wishes to become part of the story (called "self-insert") and so an original character has sex with famous people. There are fics aplenty out there about some dazzled fangirl making it with Orlando Bloom or Johnny Depp or the entire cast of Lord of the Rings. There's also fics about Eric Bana and Brad Pitt finding true love on the set of "Troy" or Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert being more than just reporting buddies. This is what Darwin Porter's written, only it's about the stud stable of Silent Hollywood.

Now I'm not blaming Porter for wanting to scribble out his little fantasies or the fantasies of this Stanley Mills Haggart who he says served as his muse. Crikey, I did the same thing when I was 16 and hormonal. My character romped through the beds of Hollywood and German WWI aces with as much aplomb and shamlessness as Porter's Durango Jones. Alas, she was a girl and therefore my little effort apparently has no chance of getting published. Is the title pool of gay lit really so small that this doorstopper is a welcome addition to the genre?

Yet this was a hilarious read simply because the book was full of crap. Aimee Semple McPherson's Angelus Temple wasn't dedicated until 1923. It was not a beacon of Pentecostal excess in late 1918 the way Porter has written it. Still, I overlooked egregious historical errors like that just because it was so hilariously awful.

If you're an MST3K fan and don't mind reading badly-written gay porn, this book isn't a total waste of time. I recommend reading it in doses because the unimaginative prose becomes extremely tedious after a dozen pages. And the "voices" of all the characters are pretty much the same. The men have one personality and voice, and ditto for the women.

And it's inspired me! I'm off to write a story about Lon Chaney and Erich von Stroheim doing it in the backseat of a Stutz Bearcat while Wallace Beery and Ronald Colman 69 it on the roof. It can't lose! It's Literary Gold!

I've discovered that Blood Moon Productions/Georgia Literary Assc. is basically a vanity press for Porter and Danforth Prince. Now it makes sense why this book saw the light of day. I believe it's possible to write good erotic fiction using real-life people, however this isn't anywhere close to it.

Give all my gripes, it was very amusing in its own way. It's just not good, or even mediocre, literature. 3 out of 5.